My daughter was born exactly three months ago today. She is my third born and I’m 99.9% certain she will my last (I’m not sure my body could physically carry another child and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t survive the school run with four kids and a greyhound!)
With this certainty that my days of popping out sprogs are definitely over, I am finding myself mourning the weeks, milestones and events that pass. Not just the normal things like the first smile or laugh. No, I am mourning the things that most parents (including me a few years back) would lament; I am no longer despairing “FFS my 10week old baby just shat on me” I am crying “oh my goodness, I am never going to be shat on by a 10 week old baby ever again!”
Chunder down my back, nappy leakages which require a whole pack of wet wipes and a bath, screaming until she is cuddled (standing up cuddles only obviously, sitting down cuddles are not allowed!), fighting sleep when she is clearly soooo tired, and weeing everywhere at the crucial nappy change moment. What if these are the last times that I have to deal with these incidents? I should be happy about that, right? But no, like some kind of glutton for punishment, I am clinging on to the worst bits of motherhood as well as the best.
But actually it is helping me enjoy things so much more. The night feeds and midnight nappy changes are no longer a chore, I no longer mutter profanities under my breath as I am dragging my sorry self over to the armchair for a mammoth 3am feed. I am actually happy to have an extra snuggle with my girlie.
If we have a bad night, and I stumble through the next day as a bleary eyed zombie mum, it doesn’t bother me any more. Obviously I love my sleep, and if I had a choice I would be getting a lot more of it right now, but I appreciate that it won’t always be this bad and within a few months, I will get some sleep again. I won’t ever have a few month old baby getting me up all night again.
And I can actually now laugh when I am covered in wee, poo and sick (sometimes all three at the same time!), rather than look back (after the horror of the situation has died down) and laugh.
So despite mourning the weeks that pass, I am also enjoying them more so. Maybe I should have realised before that the key to getting through the first few months with a baby is to convince yourself that you are never ever doing this again!